


Stop Me If You've Heard This One: A Time Lord And A Companion Walk Into A Ship Of Immortal Space Pirates

by Immortal_Enby_Archivist



Category: Doctor Who (2005), The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Other, Self indulgent crossover, The major characters dying are the Mechs so it's not really death death, content warning: Rangian Street Poker, maybe a bit ooc but hey, my first fic with the Mechs!! Be lenient pls, omnisexual Jonny D'Ville rights, one liner octokitten violence, the plot is non-existent I just felt like throwing these idiots together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortal_Enby_Archivist/pseuds/Immortal_Enby_Archivist
Summary: A fairly normal day in the life of the Mechs is turned upside down when a mysterious blue box appears in the middle of their ship...
Relationships: The Aurora/Nastya Rasputina
Comments: 8
Kudos: 78





	Stop Me If You've Heard This One: A Time Lord And A Companion Walk Into A Ship Of Immortal Space Pirates

The day was fairly regular, for Mechanisms standards. The only thing slightly out of the ordinary was the fact that they were all chilling out in the same room, except for Brian, who was piloting the ship.

Ivy and Raphaella were lazily discussing a scientific essay they had read, Tim was cleaning his already spotless gun, Nastya was fixing some wiring issues, Marius was strumming his violin while Jonny hummed, and Ashes was throwing knives aimed at an apple on the Toy Soldier's head.

"Stand still."

"I Am, Old Chap!"

The ship ground into a halt, and Ashes' aim suffered the consequences: the knife plunged in the Toy Soldier's eye, and the apple rolled to the floor.

"Almost, But Not Quite!" It cheerfully declared, removing the knife and letting it fall to the floor. 

Jonny stood up, grabbing his gun. "BRIAN, I AM GOING TO MELT YOU AND USE YOUR METAL TO MAKE A SPITOON." Before he could act on his murderous plans, however, an atrocious sound (like an asthmatic elephant after smoking 12 packs of cigarettes) made all of their heads turn towards a shape materialising in the middle of the room.

"Sorry, the engines shut down out of nowhere, and-" Drumbot Brian stopped abruptly, mouth agape.

It was a police box. Earth, 1960's. They remembered it clearly, because Marius had been crushed to death after one of those fuckers fell from a spaceship (long story). How it had managed to appear in the Aurora out of thin air... that was a mystery.  
The door swung open, and a man stepped outside. He was tall and lanky, with a long coat and a frown.  
Everyone drew their weapon. Everyone except the Toy Soldier. It was just delighted at the situation. 

"Who the fuck are you?" Jonny voiced everyone's burning question.

"I'm the Doctor."

"Yeah, well, I'm the Captain."

Eight voices chimed in, in unison.

"First mate."

"First mate, Jonny."

"I Do Believe You Are First Mate."

"Fuck you, guys."

The Doctor suddenly noticed the copious amounts of guns aimed at him and raised his arms. "Woah, woah, I'm not going to hurt you!"

The crew glanced at each other. "Yeah, we're not really concerned about that." Ashes cocked their gun.

Jonny narrowed his eyes. "You have exactly thirty seconds to explain why you're here, or my crew and I will blast you to kingdom come."

The Doctor took a deep breath. "I'm the Doctor, I travel with my TARDIS," he pointed at the box behind him, "she has a mind of her own and sometimes she _brings me places I didn't ask her to_ ," here he raised his voice slightly, as if speaking to this TARDIS, "and she brought me here. Satisfying enough?"

They all glanced at each other and nodded. Millennia of travelling together can't give you mind reading powers, but you can get quite close to it. They lowered their guns. 

Ivy curled her index on her lips, lost in thought. "I've heard of a TARDIS before..." 

Jonny crossed his arms. "Alright, now do all of us a favour and fuck off."

"I can't."

Everyone stared at him in confusion. 

"The TARDIS stopped here, and she refuses to leave, which means there's something here I need to do." 

"I say we throw him out of the airlock and go on our merry wa-" 

Tim was cut off mid sentence by a bullet going through his chest. Jonny nonchalantly put his gun back in its holster, much to the Doctor's dismay. 

"Doctor? What's going-" The woman who was peeking from behind the TARDIS doors analysed the situation and widened her eyes at the sight of the gunner on the floor. "Step aside, I'm a doctor."

"There's never been this many doctors on board." Marius remarked, with a grin. Everyone rolled their eyes.

"There's only ever been a single doctor in this ship, and I'm _not_ sorry to say it wasn't you." Ashes drily replied, picking up their knife from the floor.

"I was a doctor too-" 

"Did anyone ask, Brian?" 

"How could you do that?!" The Doctor's gaze darkened with rage, as he took a step towards the first mate. "There was no reason for you to do that!"

"He's dead." The woman declared out loud, her hands stained with Tim's blood.

"Well, yeah," Raphaella shrugged, "Jonny's a twat, but he's a hell of a shot."

"Doctor, who are they?"

"I don't know. But I'm trying to find out." He walked towards Jonny, fire in his eyes. "Listen to me. I have no idea who you think you are, but if you believe that I'll stand by and watch you kill people like that, you're wrong."

"Yeah, Jonny, what the hell?!" The woman gasped and fell back as Tim spoke, his wound healing itself. "I was just expressing an opinion!"

"Shut up or I'll shoot you in the head."

"What- how-" The Doctor sputtered, staring at the newly reanimated corpse in confusion. "What are you?"

"Rude." Marius crossed his arms.

"I Don't Mind!"

"You _are_ a what."

"Fair Enough."

"Anyway," Jonny lifted a hand to shut everyone up, "if you want to know, we're the Mechanisms, we're immortal, we travel across the stars, and we do what we fucking want, so stop being a pain in the ass." 

Brian cleared his throat. "Maybe Tim's right." 

"Thank you!" 

"I'm just saying, this might lead to trouble, so it's best for us to just get rid of these two." 

Jonny nodded. "Ah, EJM Brian. My favourite Brian." Before the Doctor could say anything, he added: "But, as much as I like violence, and you know I never say no to violence, maybe just this time we can be courteous and take them in as our guests."

"But-"

"No 'but's, Ashes, I've made a decision."

"And why exactly should we listen to you?"

"Because I said so, Raph."

The scientist shrugged. "Can't argue with that."

"Excuse me?" Everyone turned to face Nastya, who had finally spoken up. She pointed at the box. "That's your ship, correct?"

"I, er..." the Doctor stammered. He didn't struck the crew as the kind of person who is often at a loss for words. "Yes, she is."

"Can I see it?"

"Oh, my God, Nastya, you can't just ask people to show you their ship."

"I didn't ask for your opinion, Marius. Can I?"  
The glint in her eyes showed a genuine curiosity that was hard to not indulge.

"I'm really not sure that's a good idea, this is one of the most powerful artifacts in the Universe, in the wrong hands it could cause a massacre."

Jonny's head shot up, a mischievous grin on his lips and all sorts of evil plans swirling in his mind. 

"Besides, the technology behind it is beyond any comprehension, I doubt you'll even be able to-"

Raphaella walked towards the open door and took a peek inside. "Huh. Transdimentional engineering."

Nastya's legs began quivering. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Careful," Ashes crossed their arms, "the Aurora will get jealous."

"I'm sorry, how do you know that?" The Doctor stared at Raphaella, as her mechanical wings fluttered with excitement.

"I've never seen one of those, I've studied them for so long! I knew that in this dimension they exist, but I thought they were gonna be extremely rare..."

"Sorry, 'this dimension'? Doctor, I thought you couldn't travel through dimensions."

Raph's excitement was turned down a notch at the woman's remark. "Oh. Not that impressive, but still."

"The Aurora can." Nastya proudly stated, giving the wall of the ship a soft pat.

"Your ship can travel through dimensions?"

"Space, time, dimensions, Octokittens, you name it." Brian remarked, a similar feeling of pride igniting his eyes.

"Octo... kittens?"

"Ask Jonny."

"It was one fucking time, _Dumbot_ Brian."

The Doctor had to physically push Nastya and Raphaella away from the TARDIS, before they could get inside.

"OH!" Ivy bolted up and ran out of the room.

The crew ignored her: they were used to her dashing to her archive in the middle of a conversation, to dig up some book or file relevant to the conversation. Though she could usually remember a great deal of information, what, with her mechanical brain and all, sometimes she wanted to be sure. And sometimes she _was_ sure, she just wanted to prove how right she was and rub it in the crew's faces.

"I'm sorry, your ship can travel through _dimensions_?!" The Doctor repeated, staring around like he was in a treasure cave.

"Oh, My! Your Friend Is A Little Slow, Isn't He, Miss-?"

It took the woman a solid few seconds to overcome the shock of seeing the Toy Soldier move and speak. They had all been there. "Uh, Martha. Martha Jones."

"What A Lovely Name!"

"Incredible. Simply... incredible!" The Doctor appeared to have forgotten all about the less-than-ideal first impression, carefully studying the walls of the Aurora. "This ship is a technical marvel." 

"And she's _taken_." Nastya crossed her arms, interrupting her fawning over the TARDIS to glare at the Doctor.

Martha moved her eyes away from the Toy Soldier to look at the Doctor, with a shocked smile on her lips. "I thought you were the only one fancying his ship."

"I wouldn't call the TARDIS a ship, but-"

Nastya's eyes sparkled. "So you too know what it feels like to be in love with perfect machinery."

The Aurora purred.

"The TARDIS and I go way back, but-" Realisation hit the Doctor, and he stared at the engineer with his eyes wide open. "You... have sex... with your ship?"

"... you don't?"

The Doctor opened his mouth to reply, when Ivy stormed back into the room, triumphantly holding an impossibly thick book. " _TARDIS_ ," She began reading out loud, " _more living creatures than machines, they were used by Time Lords of Gallifrey to travel through time and space. Thanks to transdimentional engineering, they were bigger on the inside, and their chameleon circuit allowed them to blend in with the environment_." She shut the book with a satisfied smirk. "But here's where it gets interesting."

A few people groaned; someone whispered "There she goes"; the Toy Soldier clapped its hands with a smile.

"I knew there was something familiar about..." She gestured at the Doctor and the TARDIS, "... all this, so I did some digging, and there's a 98.6% chance that he is, in fact, the Doctor."

Silence fell in the room.

"Oh, fuck, she's lost it." Tim muttered.

"Yes, uh, Ivy, he said it himself. You were there." Marius gently reminded her, glancing around to the crew in confusion.

"I mean, _the_ Doctor."

No one commented.

"Really? Renegade Time Lord? Travelling for centuries? Responsible for the destruction of his own-"

"I think that's enough." The Doctor snapped, before the archivist could finish her sentence. "Yes, it's me."

"I didn't know you were that famous." Martha tilted her head. The Time Lord looked flustered.

Jonny cleared his throat. "Anyway, we'd love to chat some more, but we have to figure out why the Aurora stopped working in the middle of space."

"Can't we just ask her?" Raphaella crossed her arms.

Brian scoffed. "You think I didn't try? She won't answer."

"Maybe she's still mad at you for that asteroid field."

" _Again_ , Nastya?! I already apologised, what else am I supposed to-"

"The Doctor could help."

Everyone turned to stare at Martha. She shifted awkwardly on her feet, before adding: "He's very good at technology, I'm sure he'll have it running in no time."

The Time Lord stammered. "Well, yeah, I think- I think I can do that." 

Nastya narrowed her eyes. "Are we sure he's not going to harm her?" 

Jonny placed a hand on her shoulder, easily the most affectionate physical contact he had given to anyone in a week. "I know you're worried, but I'd rather not stay stranded in space for weeks. Dying of starvation is not fun."

Everyone nodded solemnly. Nastya sighed. "Alright. I'll show you the way to the engine room. Don't touch her without explicit permission."

"From you or from- nevermind."

Jonny pointed at the pilot. "Brian, you follow them."

Ivy, who was whispering to Raphaella the whole time, cleared her throat. "Raph and I will go too. We'd like to learn more about Time Lords and-"

"-and their biology." The look in the scientist's face made it abundantly clear, to anyone who knew her, that she was already thinking about all sorts of experiments she could force the Doctor to undergo.

"No vivisection, Raph." Jonny glared at her.

The scientist pouted. "Fine." 

Everyone seemed satisfied with her answer, apart from the two newcomers. They both looked equally horrified and scared.

"Wait, Doctor, what am I going to do while you fix their ship?" Martha lowered her voice. "I don't really trust them to... you know... not murder us."

"That's rude."

"I Believe She Has A Point, Ashes!"

A gunshot echoed through the room. The two newcomers flinched. 

"Oh. I'm Sorry." The Toy Soldier absentmindedly brushed a finger on the bullet hole in its wooden chest.

"I can assure you, no one will hurt you." Jonny sounded almost disappointed as he spoke. "You're under my protection now."

"I didn't think you of all people would be getting soft."

"... Do you _want_ to get shot again, Tim? Because this is how you get shot."

"You could come with me." The Time Lord suggested, but before Martha could reply, Nastya shook her head.

"No, she gets upset if there's too many people there."

The Doctor was clearly trying to accept it without asking any questions. "Fine. Let's go."

§§§

The Toy Soldier was the only one oblivious to the awkward silence that had fallen in the room. "How Exciting! We Haven't Had A Day This Eventful Since The Siege Of New Moscow!"

No one replied. Ashes was fiddling with a lighter, Tim was back to cleaning his gun with his usual scowl, while arguing with Jonny in a low voice, and Marius was clearly thinking of some way to initiate conversation with Martha.  
The latter was awkwardly standing in the middle of the room, and her expression clearly showed that she was mildly worried by (if not downright afraid of) the people she was surrounded by. 

"So... where did you get your degree?" 

Everyone groaned. "Marius!" 

The baron pouted. "What, so I'm going to be censured even when I attempt small talk? Fine, where are you from, then?" 

"London." She paused, before hesitantly adding: "Earth."

Tim interrupted his bickering with Jonny to say: "Hey, me too! Moon's already gone?" 

Martha's eyes widened as she stammered. "Uh, no, it's still there. I'm from 2007." She added, hoping that it would somehow be helpful.

"Huh. You're in for a treat." The first mate crossed his arms. "So, you really travel through time and space in that..." He gestured vaguely at the blue box, the effort of trying to remember its name making him frown. "... _thing_?"

"Yes. Don't ask me how it works, though, I have no clue."

Jonny scoffed. "If I really wanted to hurt myself like that, I would ask Raph, and let her talk my ear off explaining it in unintelligible technical jargon."

Martha awkwardly shrugged. "Makes sense." A small pause. "So, how come you are... you know, immortal?"

The crew shot meaningful glances at each other, finally fixing their collective gaze on Jonny. He huffed. "Fine, fine. We have mechanical parts generously installed in us by our dastardly departed Doctor Carmilla, who has since tragically _fallen_ out of an airlock."

The way the first mate said "fallen" made Martha visibly shiver, but much to the pirates' relief, she didn't push it any further. The first mate's mental and emotional stability was already precarious at best as it was, but any reference to Carmilla could be enough to push him off the edge.

The tense silence was broken by the Toy Soldier's cheerful voice. "Oh, I Just Had The Most Wonderful Idea To Pass The Time!"

Everyone suddenly tensed up. "Oh, no." Ashes muttered.

"Tell Me, Miss Martha: Are You Familiar With Rangian Street Poker?"

§§§

The engine room was dimly lit by a soft red light. They walked through a maze of wires and pipes, with Nastya confidently leading the way, occasionally stroking with affection a piece of machinery.

Meanwhile, Raphaella and Ivy took turns questioning the Doctor.

"Is it true that Time Lords regenerate?" The archivist inquired, probably the seventeenth question in ten minutes.

"Yes, we do. No more than 12 times, though."

"Regenerate?" The scientist's eyes twinkles. "Does that mean that if someone were to cut your arm off, it would grow back?"

"... No."

"... Have you ever tried?"

Luckily for the Doctor, Nastya stopped walking. "We're here."

The Time Lord forgot how to breathe for a second: "You are _beautiful_." The engine was huge, easily five times the size of the very first Earth computers, from the 1940's. It stretched upwards for at least 20 feet, and it was flanked by a steel ladder attached to several platforms a few feet apart from each other vertically. 

The engineer glared at him, hissing out a "Careful", but he was too busy marvelling at the machinery in front of him. 

"And it just... stopped? Out of the blue?" 

Brian nodded. 

The Doctor pulled out a thin, silvery thing from his pocket.

"What's that?" Nastya's concern was palpable, as she studied the object trying to figure out if it could hurt her beloved. 

"Oh, it's a sonic device, right?" 

"Sonic screwdriver." The Time Lord specified, slowly getting used to the breadth of Raphaella's scientific knowledge. He pointed it at the machine and scanned it; the device emitted a high-pitched noise. "There's a virus inside." 

The engineer gasped. "Is she going to be alright?" 

"Yes, but we've arrived just in time. A little more time and everything would have shut down, including lights, artificial gravity, and..." He glanced at the pirates. "Well, I don't think a lack of air would do _you_ more harm than an unpleasant inconvenience." 

"Do you know what's causing it?" Ivy leaned closer, as the Doctor unscrewed a panel and started tugging at the wires (much to Nastya's dismay). 

"If I'm right - and I usually am, it can be frustrating at times - it's a Wyrmian beetle." 

Everyone turned to Ivy, who shrugged. "Sorry, doesn't ring a bell." 

"It's a small biocybernetic parasyte that latches onto ships, burrows its way into its inner machinery and uses a virus to redirect the energy from the engine to itself." 

Nastya whined lightly as the Time Lord connected two cables. "How do we get rid of it?" 

"Usually it would take a few days and an antivirus, but usually people don't have this." He lifted his sonic screwdriver, holding it in his teeth as he worked at the wires. 

Raphaella looked like she was itching to take apart both the screwdriver and the Time Lord, to examine their inner machinations. 

Brian put his hand on Nastya's shoulder, in an attempt to ease her anxiety. "It's gonna be okay." 

The screwdriver whirred as the Doctor pressed it against the cables, pushing its activation button rhythmically. "It's fascinating, really, the reason why the TARDIS got attracted to this ship in the first place was the parasyte. It emits a signal that acts as a magnet for TARDISes. Wyrmian beetles used to be a huge problem to Time Lords." He left the end of the sentence hanging, as if he was about to add a subordinate clause starting with 'before'. "There." 

The light around them changed from red to green, and Nastya sighed in relief. 

"She's back online." He declared. 

"Where's the parasyte?" 

The Time Lord showed Ivy his sonic screwdriver. "Safely contained in here. It can be transferred as a string of code from one device to another, but the sonic's immune to it." 

"Effectively working as a trap." Raphaella beamed. 

"Exactly."

Brian cleared his throat. "We should probably go back." 

Everyone nodded, except Nastya. "I'll spend some time with her, she deserves it." 

As they left the room, the engineer placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's steel.

§§§

They were greeted with the sight of Ashes and Marius dead on the floor, Tim looking just about ready to throw the cards he was holding in the air and shoot them, Jonny being on the verge of exploding in one of his infamous temper tantrums, the Toy Soldier giggling merrily, and Martha triumphantly sitting next to a significant pile of cards torn in two on the table in front of her. Said table was covered in decks, arranged in a weirdly convoluted way.

"I won again!"

"Damnit," the first mate muttered, "I never understood this fucking game. Alright, fine: his name was Marc, he was my classmate, and I fell in love with him after he broke my arm during a fight. Satisfied?" 

"Actually, yes. Tim?" 

The gunner looked like he wanted to snap Martha's neck like a twig. "I got that scar by playing with my childhood octokitten. Mr Floofy."

Ashes rose from the floor, frowning. "You said it was from an attempted assassination." A bullet promptly went through their head, and they fell back down.

"Toy Soldier?" 

It beamed. "My Favourite Colour Is Yellow!"

Rangian Street Poker. Where the prize wasn't money, but information.

They all looked just about ready to start another round, when they finally noticed the others standing in front of the door.

"So? Are we back on track?" Marius blinked twice, rolling from his side to his back and lifting himself up.

Brian nodded. "We're ready to set sail again." 

Jonny grinned. "Great. Thank you, Doctor. That means you can leave, right?"

"Yes, as it turns out, what attracted the TARDIS here was actually a-"

"Wow, amazing, now sod off."

The Time Lord closed his mouth, disoriented and irritated by the rude interruption. "Alright. Well, it was... interesting meeting you."

"Likewise." Marius replied. "Hopefully we'll never see you again."

"Not after everything she learnt." Tim glared at Martha. 

Jonny tapped his foot. "Right, cheers, take care and all of that. Bye."

Someone mumbled out a very tenuous "bye", someone awkwardly waved, the Toy Soldier smiled and waved. "Goodbye, Friends!"

The Doctor turned around just as he was about to enter the TARDIS, staring at Jonny, analysing the manic glint in his eyes as if to try and put a painful concept into words. "You remind me of a man I once knew. An old friend."

The first mate snorted. "Is that a good thing, or-" 

The Time Lord paused, as if the question was more complicated than it had any right to be. "I don't know."

He went in, shutting the door behind him, and as soon as it dematerialised, they collectively breathed a sigh of relief.

"Are they gone?" Ashes came back, voice still a bit groggy.

"Yeah." Brian rolled up his sleeves. "I'll go back to the console. The ship isn't going to fly herself." He paused. "... or maybe she will. Either way, I'm off."

Raphaella looked extremely disappointed. "Do you think we'll find any other Time Lord to experiment on?"

Ivy shook her head. "I was trying to tell you earlier, the Doctor destroyed his home planet and is responsible for the genocide of Gallifeyans."

Jonny chose the wrong time to be drinking water. He nearly choked to death, and after Marius (un)helpfully slammed his hand on his back, he managed to sputter out a "The fuck?!"

"Nice." Ashes commented, plopping down on the floor cross-legged and taking out their knife. "Alright, TS, get back to the wall."


End file.
